Things I Have to Keep Telling Myself

STOP CARING!

YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET YOURSELF INTO THIS KIND OF SITUATION EVER AGAIN!

FOCUS ON THE THINGS YOU NEED TO FINISH!

BE CAREFUL WHO YOU GIVE YOUR HEART TO!

Knight in Shining Armour Syndrome

Are you someone who doesn't like to see others in pain?

Does it break your heart to see someone you care about being sad?

Are you a shoulder to lean on and a person to tell all their troubles to?



"Congratulations! You have what is called The Knight in Shining Armour Syndrome or a Hero Complex"

New Motto on Life

"Keep Moving Forward"

that's what I'm gonna try to do... put the past behind and look to the future..

I've made my peace with my past..

Note To Self

Stop Complicating already complicated matters...

Add... Mr. Confusion to list of AKA titles...

If Something Like This Happens to You What Would You Do?

So I was reading this really interesting post by Court Jester and decided to post this questions..

Say you were living in your house.... and well this family came and asked for refuge from you and you being the most generous and hospitable people offered them to stay in your house... then they started inviting more n more of their relatives to come and stay in your house without your permission even... then finally one day asks you to move out.. what would you do? how would you react?...

Makes you think doesn't it....

Things I Must Eventually Accept

I'm never gonna be good enough for my parents..

You don't need me in your life anymore...

Walking away might not solve the problem all the time..

I can't keep floating around any longer...

Match Day Game Face On!!

So I've decided there's noway in hell I'm gonna miss this match!! This is the last match that I'll play for my uni and sickness or no sickness I'm gonna play tomorrow... Here's to hoping we win tomorrow... and for a good clean great game of rugby :D.... even though I'm not 100% fit... my team mates are counting on me and I'm not going to disappoint them... Gonna play tomorrow and we sure as hell gonna WIN!

On the bright side I get to play in my old position =D the one I was born to be in :) Wing Three quarter baby!!... Gonna Run, Gonna Tackle and Gonna WIN!!!

I'm gonna leave you with last years team.....

Can't Think Up of a Heading Right Now... :S

something a friend of mine texted to me awhile back......

"God determines who walks into you life, you determine who walks out"

interesting..

When I'm Right I'm Sooo Right!

Told you that you dint love him...

Told you that you dint want to be with him...

Told you that you were just lying to yourself...

Told you that you will come to your senses someday...

Told you I cant be bothered waiting here to pick up the pieces after what you put me through...

Told you so...

Crossroads

hmm.. I feel like I'm at a crossroad in my life and I'm really not sure what I want to do.. i have around 7 months to go to finish my degree.. but i know that even if i finish it.. i wont be following a career in software engineering.. I'd really like to get into a more people oriented role like client services in advertising, public relations or brand management.. sigh... I've been thinking about dropping out of Uni these days.. I worked in the IT industry for about an year in this prestigious Software House and it was a very miserable year.. the work was challenging and good but it just didn't match my personality.. Its a very introvertish industry and i know i dont want to be in it for the rest of my lives... its weird.. i know what i DONT want to do, but not what i WANT to do... its so confusing...

Uni is pretty awful these days.. i cant even understand the simplest of things.. the lecturers just keep looking at us like we are some dumb morons.. and the thing is we actually are.. even the basics we dont know.. its really depressing.. I know its going to be a waste of 3 years if i just drop out but.. i just dont see the point of continuing when i dont understand jack and i know im going to fail.. sigh... then again i wonder if anyone would hire me as i did one career path and now want to follow a totally different one... i just want to find something that I'm good at and I'm happy doing. I'm not going to settle anymore.. i want to find something i LOVE doing!!!

I NEED HELP!!!! sigh!!!! :(

Self-Realization

hmm... so the last weekend was an eye opener... i guess 1 bottle of Jack Daniels and a bottle of Rockland White Rum gives you some serious self thinking time.. i have this theory or rather heard of it.. but can't remember from where.. its like this... in the wild lets take for example this herd of wildebeests... the weakest members get killed off first therefore making the herd stronger as only the best survive... so when you apply it to your brain cells... they say when you drink, it kills off brain cells.. so when you apply this theory here.. you are left with the smartest brain cells.. that's why when you are drunk you come up with the most intelligent things..

what relation does it have here... well i did some serious thinking over this weekend and it finally hit me.. i will never truly be happy... all my life I've been trying to conform to others and I haven't been happy.. nothings ever really made me happy.. the only time i was happy was when i was with her for that short period of time.. have you ever felt true happiness? truly felt content? when i was holding her i felt all my troubles wash away.. here was a person just like me.. she cared never endingly about everything in this world except for herself.. just like i cared for everything in this world except me... we took care of each other.. we made each other happy.. there were so many problems between us but when we were together we dint feel any of the problems that weighed down on us.. it just felt perfect...

once you feel something like that nothing can compare.. in the end we dint work out.. or rather its just so complicated that the world dint allow us to be together.. but still.. i hate myself for letting her go and i hate myself because i know that any other girl i am with.. i will always compare whatever we share with what i had with her.. and i know that in the end.. it wouldn't even come close.. i will never be truly happy unless i am with her.. and that is a fact that really dawned on me this weekend..

it started with something that happened between 2 of my really close friends.. we are 4 individuals with really different personalities... 2 guys and 2 girls.. F and Me (guys) and then you get the 2 girls B and N... all four of us have history. F and B used to go out a long time back and so did N and me... but it dint work out.. and the four of us have always been friends... well not always.. i used to hate F for what he did to B and we even came close to fists but then somewhere down the line all was forgotten and forgiven. i really got to know him because he was my best buds cousin and then we've all just been friends... F was in UK and he came down a last week and we did what we always do when he comes down.. get set for a booze filled weekend.. this time... something happened though.. you see F has been in love with this borah girl for the last 5 years but they can't be together because of the religious and race issues.. sound familiar?... and on Friday night we had a really really heavy Jack Daniels session and all of us were wasted to the core... but B was the only sober person as she was sick and couldn't drink.. so the next morning when i woke up heavily hung over.. i found out that something had happened between F and B... B actually came and told me about it.. you see i've always known that B was never truly over F.. but F's in love with that borah girl.. sigh.. i know... fucking complicated init.... so apparently in the middle of the night.. while we were all wasted and asleep these 2 were together and something led to another and they had made out.. and what was worse was that F's mom had caught them.... i was really pissed off when i found out and wanted to confront F but B begged me not to... this happened in the wee hours of Saturday morning... so Saturday night we had another booze session and i finally confronted him about what happened.. he actually ran away from me... but i was adamant and told him we are having this conversation... then later on when we did.. holy fuck it was the craziest thing.. he was too scared to talk to me... he actually sang it all out... you see when we have a booze session we jam on our guitars and sing songs.. so we were in the middle of it when he starts singing about what happened and how much sorry he was about it.. and how much he regretted it.. and he knows how much she loves him but.. he cant be with her because he loves this other girl.. its been 5 years and its still the same.. damn!! and it got me thinking sigh... we are the same.. F and me... no matter what we do we will always love these people and nothing can compare to this love.. even if someone else loved us.. it still wouldn't be the same as we wouldn't care about them as we do about these 2... and the worse part is i know B is kinda going through the same thing... she's been rebounding from one guy to the other ever since they broke up... sigh... Life is so fucking complicated!!!

I've hurt so many people by trying to run away from this... but i cant do this anymore... i cant keep denying it.. I've tried to run away from her before but life just keeps throwing us together over and over again.. so in all fairness and honesty.. i know 5 years down the line.. my feelings for her still wont change... so its only fair that i stay away from others.. i cant keep hurting others... I've decided I'm going to be alone... because i know each of us deserve to be loved whole heartedly by our respective others... and we deserve a love just like the love i shared with her.. and i know i can't promise that kind of love to another... and anything i have with anyone else would just never be the same...

F and Me we are the same.... we fell for the wrong girl and now we cant move on.. because we know we can never give another what we gave them or another can never satisfy us the way they did... so its only fair we not get involved with another... Life Really is Weird and Fucked Up... but I'll be fine... there are things to occupy me.. I'm okay with being alone.. it used to be one of my biggest fears.. not anymore... I'm perfectly okay with it now... I guess some people are just too fucked up to be happy.. :D

to the people I've hurt I'm really sorry for what I've put you through... and here's hoping it never happens again...