Self-Realization

hmm... so the last weekend was an eye opener... i guess 1 bottle of Jack Daniels and a bottle of Rockland White Rum gives you some serious self thinking time.. i have this theory or rather heard of it.. but can't remember from where.. its like this... in the wild lets take for example this herd of wildebeests... the weakest members get killed off first therefore making the herd stronger as only the best survive... so when you apply it to your brain cells... they say when you drink, it kills off brain cells.. so when you apply this theory here.. you are left with the smartest brain cells.. that's why when you are drunk you come up with the most intelligent things..

what relation does it have here... well i did some serious thinking over this weekend and it finally hit me.. i will never truly be happy... all my life I've been trying to conform to others and I haven't been happy.. nothings ever really made me happy.. the only time i was happy was when i was with her for that short period of time.. have you ever felt true happiness? truly felt content? when i was holding her i felt all my troubles wash away.. here was a person just like me.. she cared never endingly about everything in this world except for herself.. just like i cared for everything in this world except me... we took care of each other.. we made each other happy.. there were so many problems between us but when we were together we dint feel any of the problems that weighed down on us.. it just felt perfect...

once you feel something like that nothing can compare.. in the end we dint work out.. or rather its just so complicated that the world dint allow us to be together.. but still.. i hate myself for letting her go and i hate myself because i know that any other girl i am with.. i will always compare whatever we share with what i had with her.. and i know that in the end.. it wouldn't even come close.. i will never be truly happy unless i am with her.. and that is a fact that really dawned on me this weekend..

it started with something that happened between 2 of my really close friends.. we are 4 individuals with really different personalities... 2 guys and 2 girls.. F and Me (guys) and then you get the 2 girls B and N... all four of us have history. F and B used to go out a long time back and so did N and me... but it dint work out.. and the four of us have always been friends... well not always.. i used to hate F for what he did to B and we even came close to fists but then somewhere down the line all was forgotten and forgiven. i really got to know him because he was my best buds cousin and then we've all just been friends... F was in UK and he came down a last week and we did what we always do when he comes down.. get set for a booze filled weekend.. this time... something happened though.. you see F has been in love with this borah girl for the last 5 years but they can't be together because of the religious and race issues.. sound familiar?... and on Friday night we had a really really heavy Jack Daniels session and all of us were wasted to the core... but B was the only sober person as she was sick and couldn't drink.. so the next morning when i woke up heavily hung over.. i found out that something had happened between F and B... B actually came and told me about it.. you see i've always known that B was never truly over F.. but F's in love with that borah girl.. sigh.. i know... fucking complicated init.... so apparently in the middle of the night.. while we were all wasted and asleep these 2 were together and something led to another and they had made out.. and what was worse was that F's mom had caught them.... i was really pissed off when i found out and wanted to confront F but B begged me not to... this happened in the wee hours of Saturday morning... so Saturday night we had another booze session and i finally confronted him about what happened.. he actually ran away from me... but i was adamant and told him we are having this conversation... then later on when we did.. holy fuck it was the craziest thing.. he was too scared to talk to me... he actually sang it all out... you see when we have a booze session we jam on our guitars and sing songs.. so we were in the middle of it when he starts singing about what happened and how much sorry he was about it.. and how much he regretted it.. and he knows how much she loves him but.. he cant be with her because he loves this other girl.. its been 5 years and its still the same.. damn!! and it got me thinking sigh... we are the same.. F and me... no matter what we do we will always love these people and nothing can compare to this love.. even if someone else loved us.. it still wouldn't be the same as we wouldn't care about them as we do about these 2... and the worse part is i know B is kinda going through the same thing... she's been rebounding from one guy to the other ever since they broke up... sigh... Life is so fucking complicated!!!

I've hurt so many people by trying to run away from this... but i cant do this anymore... i cant keep denying it.. I've tried to run away from her before but life just keeps throwing us together over and over again.. so in all fairness and honesty.. i know 5 years down the line.. my feelings for her still wont change... so its only fair that i stay away from others.. i cant keep hurting others... I've decided I'm going to be alone... because i know each of us deserve to be loved whole heartedly by our respective others... and we deserve a love just like the love i shared with her.. and i know i can't promise that kind of love to another... and anything i have with anyone else would just never be the same...

F and Me we are the same.... we fell for the wrong girl and now we cant move on.. because we know we can never give another what we gave them or another can never satisfy us the way they did... so its only fair we not get involved with another... Life Really is Weird and Fucked Up... but I'll be fine... there are things to occupy me.. I'm okay with being alone.. it used to be one of my biggest fears.. not anymore... I'm perfectly okay with it now... I guess some people are just too fucked up to be happy.. :D

to the people I've hurt I'm really sorry for what I've put you through... and here's hoping it never happens again...